Personal
Tanjavur
I leave for Tanjavur by car from Srirangam on Thursday morning. A long night on train, a freezing cold air-conditioned coach ensuring I get hardly any sleep and the fact that the train arrives in Trichy at an unearthly 4 AM result in me falling asleep barely fifteen minutes after leaving Srirangam. About 50 minutes after our I fall asleep, my mother shakes me awake, prompting me to look out of the window and says we are almost there. We only just enter the city of Tanjavur and the 13-storey high Vimana of the Big Temple looms majestically on the horizon. The minute I set my eyes on the Vimana, I instantly wake up, forgetting that I haven’t slept properly for more than 24 hours. Our driver, presumably atheist, mutters under his breath about how nobody ever decides to go on a 4-day long pilgrimage from temple to temple. I decide to ignore it and get ahead with the task at hand: that of visiting the famed Big Temple, a decade-old dream, getting more and more irresistible over the last few months.
We stop right in front of the Rajarajan Gopuram, the main entrance. We get out of the car, leaving the driver to park and wait. We offer that he comes in with us. He refuses. Mom and I decide to go ahead. My first reaction on seeing the Gopuram is one of awe. I am awed that someone could construct something so exquisitely beautiful and so immensely grand a thousand years ago. It then strikes me that the temple is celebrating the thousandth year of its consecration in 2010. In fact, that was one of the reasons that took me all the way to the place this year. It’s still early in the morning, about 9 AM. The sun is mild and the skies are blue without a trace of cloud. I decide to make the best of the weather. I enter the first Gopuram and spot the elephant, standing guard over the Lord. I continue my way, telling myself the elephant can wait. The temple beckons. I can’t seem to wait to see the temple itself.
I enter through the second Gopuram and spot the Nandi, blocking my view of the great God. Mom asks me if I want to look around first or enter the temple. She obviously wants to enter it first, but doesn’t want to spoil my enjoyment of the architecture. I decide that there is something so profoundly spiritual about the temple that the priority is darshan. When I enter the sanctum sanctorum, I feel a sense of all-pervading peace, a peace that seemed missing in my life these past months. Something assures me that everything will be ok. Now, I am not particularly religious and ritualistic, but there is something about Tanjavur that makes even the sceptic in me believe. When I left Chennai on Wednesday night, I told myself everything would be ok if I just saw Tanjavur. As I enter the temple the next day, my belief that I will see a silver lining to those dark clouds is only reinforced. I go up the inner prakara and the ardha-mandapa right up to the inner sanctum. What I see leaves me speechless. A Sivalinga, about 20 feet in height I am guessing, looms ahead. There is nothing small about this temple. From the Vimana, to the entrance, to even the Sivalinga itself, everything is massive. It is at this point that I truly realize the meaning of the Tamil saying “Iraivan miga periyavan.” God is unimaginably big. Every sculpture, every carving, ever pillar seems to scream these words out to me. God is omni-present, omnipotent and omniscient. There is a sense of majesty and royalty about Tanjavur that I haven’t encountered in any other temple as yet.
My second reaction, much better thought-out and patiently analysed is that this temple is a masterpiece. I feel a sense of pride in belonging here, to this soil where kings thought of making temples that would last a thousand years. I begin to slowly regain the power of thought and overcome the initial sense of awe. I realize that the very existence of such a structure is symbolic. Men may come and men may go. But certain things are permanent. Like the Tanjavur Big Temple, like the power of the almighty, however we may choose to represent him. I recover and continue my exploration. I wonder if Arulmozhi Varman knew his construction would last so long. I wonder if he knew that a thousand years on, a 28-year old who first discovered his existence through the fictional world of Ponniyin Selvan would wonder what his intentions were in building this. I remember my teenage crush on the fictional Arulmozhi of Kalki’s novel, and wonder how he would have conceived something so beautiful and how difficult it would have been for him to realize that dream.
As I continue to look around, clicking tens of photos from every conceivable angle, while trying desperately to remember the temple plan from my art and architecture course of 7 years ago, I notice that everything about the temple is masculine. Even the intricate carvings that figure on the Vimana have a certain masculinity about them that is impossible to deny. Every stone of the temple seems to reassure the visitor that nothing can happen without the sanction and approval of the God Almighty. “Don’t worry because there is no greater power than me,” he seems to tell me through that structure. I come back to the Nandi Mandapam after taking close to a hundred photos and sit down next to my mother. I turn around and tell her,“I don’t know why Ma, but there is a strange sense of peace that I can feel right now.” My mother smiles and says, “Perhaps it’s His way of assuring you things will be ok!” Maybe. Just maybe.
The 100 things tag!
Just when I am struggling to write two sentences coherently, this tag from Titaxy came as a blessing in disguise. I am taking up this tag voluntarily. I don’t know if I will be able to answer each of the questions honestly, but let me try! So…here we go!
LAST
1. Last beverage: Coffee
2. Last phone call: DS
3. Last text message: Sriram
4. Last song you listened to: Can’t remember…but I think it was something from VTV
5. Last time you cried: Friday, February 26, 2010…don’t ask me why!HAVE YOU EVER
6. Dated someone twice? No way!
7. Been cheated on? Hmmm…
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Nope!
9. Lost someone special? Nandini
10. Been depressed? Of course…much more than was ever required I think.
11. Been drunk and thrown up? Nope! Seriously…no!
12. Kissed a stranger? No ways!
13. Lost glasses/contacts? No.
14. Had sex on first date? Are you crazy?
15. Broken someone’s heart? Yes…I suppose…
16. Had your own heart broken? Yes…what goes around, comes around! 😉
17. Been arrested? Not yet! Thank god for small mercies.
18. Turned someone down? Yes.
19. Cried when someone died? Of course. Nandini again.
20. Liked a friend that is a girl? No.IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU
21. Made new friends? Plenty…some very close ones.
22. Fallen out of love? Yes
23. Laughed until you cried? Many times. 😀
24. Met someone who changed you? Yes. One. No…make that two!
25. Found out who your true friends were? Yes. Finally!
26. Found out someone was talking about you? Yes. But, you think I care a damn?WHAT’S YOUR
27. Name: Amrutha
28. Nicknames: Ammu (Ugh!! But yeah! It’s an oft-used nickname) and Varsha
29. Relationship status: Isn’t that obvious? Single of course!
30. Zodiac sign: Libra. A true-blue one.
31. Male or female or transgendered: Again obvious I thought. Female!
32. Elementary: Why now?? It’s over…!
33. School: Same as above… 😉
34. Colleges: WCC, Sciences Po, Madras Unviersity…hopefully Fletcher or Columbia next! Anyone willing to sponsor my PhD?? 😛
35. Hair color: Black
36. Long or short: Wish it were longer.
37. Height: Tall…very tall. 5’9″FIRSTS
38. First surgery: None to date.
39. First piercing: As a 4 month-old I think. I was too small to remember.
40. First best friend: Meghna Nair. Does anyone know where she is today?
41. First sport you loved: Tennis.
42. First pet: None
43. First vacation: You expect me to remember that?
44. First concert: Euphoria at Sarang. I can’t remember if it was 2000 or 2001.RIGHT NOW
45. Eating: Nothing
46. Drinking: Nothing
47. I’m about to: Go for a break!
48. Listening to: People discussing Oracle all around me! Not very interesting mind you!
49. Waiting for: Interesting news from somewhere…anywhere…am bored!YOUR FUTURE
50. Want kids? Of course!
51. Want to get married? Since I don’t exactly fancy being a single mom, the answer would be yes!
52. Careers in mind? Yeah…of course! But depending on my mood, it goes from full-time chef to part-time mom… 😉WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
53. Lips or eyes: In a man…eyes I suppose!
54. Hugs or kisses: Both please….! But, if I have to choose, kisses!
55. Shorter or taller: At least as tall as me. Taller if possible.
56. Older or younger: My age…or older…younger men are too immature for me to handle!
57. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously romantic. But yeah…spontaneity wins any day!
58. Nice stomach or nice arms: Ahem….dunno! Will let you know when I find out. My guess is…arms.
59. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
60. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
61. Trouble maker or hesitant: What’s the fun with a hesitant guy? Trouble-maker of course!DO YOU BELIEVE IN
62. Yourself: Of course. I am the only thing I have.
63. Miracles: Yes.
64. Love at first sight: No. Attraction maybe, but not love.
65. Heaven: Yes. Of course.
66. Santa Claus: Where are my gifts if he exists?
67. Kiss on the first date: Nope
68. Angels: Yes…otherwise there would never be happiness in the world.LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS
69. Red
70. Black
71. White
72. Peacock blue…
73. Have you kissed anyone on your friends list? Nope!
74. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? A good 99%. Mebbe one or two people I’ve never met.
75. How many kids do you want to have? I honestly don’t know. One at least.
76. Do you have any pets? No.
77. Do you want to change your name? Why on earth?
78. What did you do for your last birthday? Spent time with family.
79. What time did you wake up today? 7.10
80. What were you doing at midnight last night? Talking on phone.
81. Name something you CANNOT wait for? A vacation. NOW!!
82. Last time you saw your father? This morning around 8.30
83. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Nothing. My life may not be perfect but each decision, each blunder, each turn has been a lesson. I have learnt more from mistakes than I could ever learn from success.
84. Most visited webpage: Google
85. Do you have a crush on someone? Right now…yes.
86. Ever been in love? Of course!
87. Piercings? Ears, nostril.
88. Tattoos? Yuck! No.
89. Righty or lefty: Righty
90. On Internet since: 2000 I think.
91. Video game: I don’t play much. But when I do, it’s Age of Empires.
92. When left alone: I read, listen to music, blog.ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
93. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
94. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? One is bad enough. Why more than that?
95. Wanted to kill some one ever? Yes. Many times, many people.
96. Among you blog mates, who would you like to kiss? None.
97. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Yes.
98. Wanted to steal you friend’s boyfriend / girlfriend? Not yet! 😛
99. Wanted to run away from your loved ones in anger, because they didn’t listen? Nope!
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Yes.Relationships…
…are complicated. By their very nature, relationships are complicated business. Of late, I have read many posts about domestic violence, complications in relationship and related stuff. I don’t know if I want to submit my entries for any kind of contest, mainly because I can’t frame my writing to such rules. But write, I will. I can’t speak of domestic violence or rape or anything else. Much has been said and written, and there is really nothing left to say. But, one thing that does make me think and reflect is psychological abuse.
Just how much is too much? I would say that every person who loves another is possessive to a certain extent. I am too. I would also get jealous if my husband or boyfriend got too close to another woman. I have. But, where do we draw the line?
I remember a conversation I had with D sometime back. Leisurely sipping a cup of coffee in the cafeteria, he said, “Have you ever thought of possessiveness as a form of love?” I protested, vehemently. One who loved could never distrust his partner enough to be jealous, I argued. No, he said. You are mistaken. The more attached you are emotionally, the more possessive you get, he said. This statement came with a disclaimer though. Not that possessiveness is a good thing; it is not. But, trust me, he said, it’s natural.
This argument continued for days, pausing every once in a while to wonder where we must draw the line between possessiveness and controlling. I still have no answers. But, to me love is all-accepting, and tolerant. When one partner becomes controlling, manipulative and irrational, it starts bordering on psychological abuse.
Domestic violence does not have to be physical. While hitting, slapping and marital rape are the most obvious and extreme forms of abuse, psychological abuse is much harder to detect and much more damaging in the long run. When a person refuses to express his/her deepest fears, most intimate desires and most important confusions to the one they are sharing their life with fear of rejection, criticism or abandonment, it could classify as psychological abuse. Trust me when I say that it takes very long to get out of that mind-set and learn to speak freely.
If you find yourself hiding things because you fear reprisal, fights, criticism, name-calling or abandonment, then you are in an abusive relationship. If you find yourself branded as a slut, a whore or as characterless because you happen to disagree with what your partner says and have many friends of the opposite sex, you most probably will be abused physically as well later. There is only one way out of this mess. Leave when you still have the time. Otherwise, it might be too late.
Why I write…
I don’t know where to start if I must answer this question. But, wait a minute? Why am I even asking myself this? Mainly because I read this post, and it triggered off a whole range of emotions and thoughts. Goofy Mumma wants to know if I would approach a well-known blogger in public. I don’t know. But, would I mind being approached? Certainly not. Goofy Mumma, like many other popular bloggers I regularly read, blogs anonymously. I certainly wouldn’t be able to recognize someone I have not seen in person. But, my thoughts at this point are somewhat different. When I started this blog, I had a choice: to choose an interesting pseudonym, or to blog under my own real name. Strangely, I never realized I had this choice in the first place until my blog had accumulated a fair number of readers, and until I started following popular bloggers, many of whom chose to remain anonymous.
Sometimes, I wish I had reflected a bit more before jumping into the fray. There have been times when I have felt like giving up blogging altogether. I have been slandered, called un-religious, characterless, and many other things for speaking my mind. I have been bogged down by these comments, felt like quitting. The fact that my parents and relatives, in addition to my Facebook friends and friends elsewhere read my blog makes it worse. There is always this nagging feeling that I am going to be judged on what I say by someone I know. Sometimes, I wonder why I chose to blog under my real name. Sometimes I feel I should just take down everything that I have written because it reveals too much of me to complete strangers. But then, I stop myself before it’s too late. I stop myself because I stand by every word I have ever written. Each word reflects a part of me, my opinions, my feelings and my reactions at a given point. Maybe being so open is a problem. This society refuses to acknowledge or accept that a woman can have such strong opinions or speak her mind about things as sensitive. But I would rather face censure for what I have to say on my blog than have to hide and lead an existence of hypocrisy. I’d much rather reveal myself to the world and be what I want to be, than pretend to be someone I am not, just to make someone else happy. Am I wrong? Am I being foolishly outspoken? Only time will tell.
What’s with this bra colour business?
There’s a meme doing the rounds on Facebook, ostensibly to spread awareness on breast cancer. I have received at least 5 messages since Friday, asking me to put up the colour of my bra as my status message. Forgive me if I am being conservative or orthodox, but I would rather not lend fodder to the already overactive imagination of my male friends on FB, by telling them what colour I wear.
That apart, how exactly does revealing the colour contribute to awareness on breast cancer? The bra is an essential garment, of course! It gives shape to the body and is worn for purely practical reasons. But the rest of the hoopla surrounding it is largely social in nature. The bra, at one point, symbolized oppression and a denial of rights to women. The corset, worn during the better part of the 18th and 19th Century, was so restrictive that women could not even bend to pick something up from the ground. The famous and violent bra-burning campaigns that defined early 20th Century feminism were a fallout of this social conditioning that the bra was oppressive. We have come a long way from that point. But, I still fail to see the connection between bra and cancer.
This campaign is a classic example of how modern day social media is being misused for pointless and completely over-the-top campaigns like this one. Check out this post by Kiran Manral. Food for thought, this! How do I know this is not, as Kiran puts it, “some clever chap’s great idea to get his five minutes of voyeuristic joy imagining women of different sizes and shapes in different coloured bras?” on the whole, I find this entire campaign pure, unadulterated crap! I will probably get a lot of brickbats for saying this, but I find that women who blindly follow the trend, and men too although not in this case, are refusing to use their brains to ask why they are doing something. Just why should I reveal something as personal as the colour of my undergarments just because some random person tells me to? I don’t get it at all! If you do, please feel free to enlighten me!