Feminism
Infidel – Ayaan Hirsi Ali – some thoughts
I just finished reading the memoirs of Dutch feminist activist and politician, Ayaan Hirsi Ali. I found it honest, refreshing, and very bold. This is not a review of the book, and my thoughts appear in no particular order. This is just a compilation of how I felt when I was reading this book.
I find that Hirsi Ali is completely honest about her feelings about Islam, even at great risk to her life. She has been accused by many of being neocon in the garb of feminism, but some of her questions strike a very deep chord in my heart, as a reader, as a feminist, and as a woman. Her repeated questioning of the logic behind obviously unfair practices such as segregation, veiling, and the demand for complete obedience of wife to husband stay relevant in contemporary, non-Islamic cultures as well. If God (whatever name you choose to give him) is indeed merciful and compassionate, why would he demand that women submit at the cost of their self-respect, their individualism and sometimes even their life? We have no answers.
Hirsi Ali’s account of her genital cutting when she was six is cold, detached and dispassionate. She almost sounds like she is narrating something that happened to someone else. And that makes it even more chilling. The idea of FGM is so repulsive, so depressing and so utterly cruel that you can’t help but develop respect for a woman who has made it through it all and is now fighting for women’s rights. Her turning away from Islam, and questioning the very existence of God is entirely understandable, even if you don’t agree with her. Maybe, just maybe, I would have been atheist too, had I been so brutally cut in the name of religion, and made to marry a stranger without even my presence being required to solemnise my wedding.
Finally, her struggles, against men, against the religion which demands nothing but submission, against forced marriage, against female genital mutilation and for women’s rights make us respect her immensely for the work she has done so far. As for the book, it is definitely worth reading for the many insights it provides on the wide variations in the practice of Islam, on the increasing influence of the orthodox Brotherhood and the political climate in the Somalian peninsula. Read it! You won’t regret.
Random thoughts…
I know I’ve been missing in action for quite some time now. First, I promise to be a regular blogger, as opposed to a lazy one, henceforth. Yes…I do! Every time I read something interesting, I make a mental note to write about it. But between work, family, brand new fiancé and wedding madness, blogging seems to take a back seat. Every single time. But there are some things that have been on my mind for some time now. It’s all very random, as the post title suggests, but here we go!
What’s this Slut Walk business? Yes, I do agree with the principle behind it. No woman should have to cover up simply because men are tempted enough to rape and blame the woman for it. And yes, I also agree that how I dress is not a reflection of my character. But, I have a problem with the term Slut Walk. I am not a slut. No matter how many times we claim words need to be reclaimed, the fact remains that the term is an affront to a woman’s character. No woman deserves to be called a slut. Just like no woman deserves to be raped. Just as I didn’t get the point behind the Pink Chaddi campaign and refused to donate my precious underwear to some pervert, I also refuse to participate in this walk that is so popularly called Slut Walk. Every word in this blogpost by Ritu strikes a chord. And, I agree. I have a problem with the term. Words carry meaning, both implied and explicit. And I refuse to accept the use of the term slut for any woman.
Now, onto the next! I have been reading a lot of posts on joint families and in-laws and marriages of late. And I have also been reading uber-feminist posts on what a marriage entails. I can’t help but think, when I read some of these posts that some women want to take offence to everything all the time. Don’t get me wrong. As I said before, nobody has the right to tell an adult how to dress and what to buy. I am all for freedom and independence. But sometimes, I really feel that some women tend to go overboard with their complaints. I mean, how is it fair to refuse to live with parents for any length of time just because some adjustments are required? I grew up in a joint family. I am none the worse for it. For all I know, my in-laws will decide to stay with us permanently after S and I get married. How is it fair on my part to refuse that? To me, feminism is not about absolute freedom to do what I want. It is to be subjected to the same restrictions and rules that I would have been had I been a man. It is not to be treated any differently because of my gender. I know I am probably going to tread on a lot of toes when I say this, but I think we all need to learn some adjustment. Adjustment, not compromise. And yes, there is a difference.
And finally, a thought on arranged marriages. Granted, I am not married yet. But, I will be in a few months. And I am getting married to man who was introduced to me by my parents. And today, I am already being forced to eat my words on arranged marriages. I have said earlier that arranged marriages are unworkable. But today, I think I was wrong. Completely wrong. And I am glad about that!
Feminism, society and other thoughts…
Regular readers of this blog will know how much of time and space I have dedicated in the past to feminism and social ills. They will also know that for some reason, my feminist rants have decreased in intensity and frequency over the past year. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my blogging frequency has itself decreased over the past year. But, there is something more. I don’t feel like writing about feminism any more. One reason is that I do not want this blog, and by extension me, to be stereotyped in any way: feminist, right-wing, technical, random. It is not so much a deliberate refusal as a natural manifestation of my rather diverse set of interests. The second reason, albeit to a much lesser extent, is that I see no change. I seemed to have exhausted my energies in talking about all that is wrong with the world. Until now. I have no idea why I am so disturbed by the current state of affairs, but I am. Several factors come into play.
The results of the recent census are less than reassuring. They only add to our human development woes by confirming what we already knew. With a sex ratio of 914 females to every 1000 males, the sex ratio is negative. The female foetus, and subsequently the girl child, is biologically more resistant to illness and hence more capable of surviving hostilities. But not even this protection offered by nature makes the child capable of combating infanticide and sex-selective abortions. What can an unborn child do if the mother and her family are determined not to allow her to be born? Every indicator of human development shows that the female is worse off in India than her male counterpart: education, life expectancy, health…name it, and the men have it better. If you add to this concerns and indicators specific to the female gender like maternal mortality, you have a rather dismal picture.
However, the census is not the only reason I feel the need to talk now. Mom has been watching a Hindi soap dubbed into Tamil (disgusting, I know!) on Vijay TV. It is, to put it mildly, absolutely infuriating. The story of a young woman engaged to be married to the only son of wealthy parents. So far, so good. But every single scene and every single situation in the soap rankles by sensitivities. First, the girl is barely 20. She considers it her good fortune to have found a good groom so early in life and to be allowed to complete her education. And here, I was thinking we had stepped out of the 12th Century! And my grouse does not end with this soap alone. Every single soap I know on television, Hindi, Tamil or other plays to the same gallery. Young woman, married and has kid, abusive in-laws, drunken husband, struggling to complete education and resigned to fate….aaargh! Alternatively, the girl is happy and content with her husband, the car, the kids and the in-laws and has no life so to speak! Either way, all these stories revolve around marriage as the ultimate goal in life, rather than real happiness! And in case you didn’t realize, what they really want to convey is that the only way you can really be happy if you’re a woman is to get married and stay married to the right man! Give me a break! Are we really in the 21st Century?
Not that I am against marriage or relationships, or that I think these things are irrelevant to happiness. I do believe that relationships (of whatever kind: friendships, marriage, family et. al) are important to happiness, but do not believe that my life’s ambition should be to find the right man and get married. It is the focus on marriage to the exclusion of all else that I object to, as to the glorification of suffering. Why is it considered a feminine virtue to suffer in silence when subjected to all kinds of torture? And really, why is every soap I know so regressive in nature? Why does a woman have to be an all-forgiving, all-accepting person?
And finally, the obsession I see all around with having a male child. I grew up in a family of girls, and never in all these 28 years of my existence has anyone ever made me wonder why I was born female. Girls are pampered and cherished by practically every member of my extended family. This is perhaps why this obsession with having a boy is so alien to me. Friends, colleagues and so many other people I know want a male child, despite having a daughter, sometimes two. What’s the deal there? I’ll never get it!
I really think we need to stop telling our daughters that Sita is the epitome of Indian womanhood. We need to stop drilling into their heads that they will never be happy unless they have a man in their lives, no matter how much of a bastard, pardon my language, he really is! And also stop telling them they need to have boys to continue the family name! But, as I said earlier, some things will take a long time changing. I only hope my generation steps out from these societal confines and dares to think differently. I hope.
Of “homely” girls and gender stereotyping
I have often been proffered unsolicited and completely unwanted advice on how to become more “lady-like”. Now, what’s this about men and lady-like behaviour? Smart, articulate, educated young men of my generation actually seem to believe the crap they dish out in the name of advice. Someone I know kept offering me such advice until I told him in no uncertain terms that such advice was completely and totally useless because I wasn’t planning on listening to him. And pray, what did he want me to do? It’s simple really. Be everything I am not. Apparently, men like talking to, going around with and outrageously flirting with smart, bold young women, but when it comes to marriage, it’s the “homely” girl who is most-wanted. Don’t believe me? Check out any matrimonial ad, or even one of the numerous match-making programmes that run on TV, and you’ll find the same requirements repeated ad nauseum: slim, fair, homely, educated but not too much, earning but not more than the man…such rules!
I find it inherently unfair that such restrictions be imposed on anyone, man or woman. Just as a woman is often expected to be docile, demure, shy and soft-spoken, a man is expected to be the very anti-thesis of all this. If you’re a man and soft-spoken or gentle, you’re as damned as a woman who is bold and outspoken. What’s this about gender stereotypes that forces people into little slots, however ill-fitting that slot might be? Why can we not accept people for what they are, instead of expecting them to live up to our expectations of how they should be?
Contrary to popular perception, gender stereotyping is not exclusively a problem that women face. Men who help at home, are soft-spoken or are happy handing over decision-making to the women in their lives are often labelled Mama’s boys or hen-pecked husbands. I find a lot of commentary in public spaces anti-men, when that’s only part of the reason gender stereotyping hurts women so much. In reality, the problem is more systemic. The same system which expects women to be Mother Earth incarnate, bearing all ills also expects men to be aggressive and dominating. I sometimes wonder if it is as difficult for men to conform to those stereotypes as it is for women to do so. Am sure it must be.
The question is, will all this ever change? Will be learn to accept a woman for who she is without expecting her to make a million compromises and be a doormat all her life, or without expecting a man to change his basic character? I hope to live to see that day!
The mandatory (pre) Women’s Day post!
A few hours from now, people I haven’t spoken to years, and who have probably even forgotten what I look like will be texting me to wish me Happy Women’s Day! Also, the blogosphere and twitter will explode with posts and tweets about the Women’s Day celebrations all over the world. Pardon me for my ignorance, but I just don’t get it! Why do people go all out to celebrate womanhood, worship their wives, mother, daughters et al. just one day in a year and promptly forget about it before the day is out? Don’t get me wrong. I do enjoy the attention, the Happy Women’s Day wishes, the occasional chocolate that someone decides to give and everything else that accompanies such symbolism. Just don’t expect me to forget how you treat me the other 364 days of the year, while you’re at it! This Women’s day, perhaps it is time to tell all you men out there a few things that women want from you! Read on…
- Treat a woman just the same all days in the year. She may be too tired, ill, bored or just sick of your demands to bother to dress up. She may look like a slob and not even have that mandatory kajal on. But she’s still a woman. Treat her well. And she’ll love you for it.
- Whether she is your colleague, your teacher, your boss, your mother, your wife or your friend, give her respect. Acknowledge that she knows as much and perhaps more than you do. Treat her as an equal in intellectual terms and you’ll earn her love and respect in no time.
- If she’s succeeded the way you never could, don’t question her methods or imply she got there because she is a woman. That hurts more than any swear word or abuse you heap on her. She’ll never forgive you for making her feel cheap. But give her that respect and you’ll earn her love way quicker than you would have ever hoped to.
- Don’t call a woman a bitch simply because she is your boss and don’t like reporting to a woman. A woman’s problems with her boss are rarely because of gender alone. It’s not fair that your problems with a woman boss should be just because of her gender.
- Don’t expect your wife or your mother to babysit you because you’re a man and feel entitled to such treatment. We don’t expect you to share all housework exactly 50-50, but getting off the couch in front of the TV for a short while to deposit your clothes in the washing machine or your dirty plates in the sink would make us feel like family instead of maids. That’s the least you can do if you find yourself incapable of cooking us a fancy dinner!
- Treat your daughters exactly the way you would treat your sons. Give them love but don’t spoil them. Be there for them, but let them decide. And never tell them they cannot do something their brothers can because they are girls. They will grow up believing themselves to be inferior or superior, but never equal.
- And finally, remember that every day is probably Women’s Day because without a woman’s constant and reassuring presence, you’re most likely to be lost. And yes, even women need other women in their lives for stability’s sake. A mother, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter, a friend or even just a colleague…every woman is special because is she. Love her, cherish her. And most importantly, respect her.
Just a little step. And you’ll earn a woman’s respect forever. You may be called a mama’s boy or a sissy. But those who call you that aren’t worth your while anyway. And yes! Happy Women’s Day!