The hunt is on…
Yeah…you read that right! The hunt begins. Actually, it began quite some time ago. I just haven’t gotten around to writing about it yet. Every month, the hunt goes something like this. Dad downloads an excel sheet with details of “boys” in it. Yeah! Once again, you read that right! Excel sheet. Easy to filter out you see? Tech-savvy IT professional that he is, he finds it the easiest way to weed out those he considers unsuitable for his darling daughter!
Before you ask me, caste criterion is already fulfilled. The list downloaded only contains details of Iyer/Iyengar/Madhwa Brahmin boys. Other castes are filtered at that stage. At this point, the excel sheet contains roughly 950 entries. The first filter to be applied is gothram. Don’t get me wrong. Not the gothram of those famed caste-based khap panchayat-ordered honour killings. This has something to do with which cowshed my ancestors belong to. Don’t ask me the logic. I fail to understand and will not argue the point. Frankly, it’s a waste of time. Anyways, to get back to the point, after filtering the inappropriate gothram, he is left with roughly 800 entries.
Next is age. Those younger than me and more than 5 years older are automatically disqualified. I am not a cradle-snatcher and don’t fancy younger men you see. And, the five-year limit is decided in consultation with parents for reasons ranging from financial to balding before I do! Again…waste of time to argue! This filter brings the number down further from 800 to roughly 550. Then comes income. While I am not a gold-digger and am not looking for someone with a six-figure monthly salary, the idea of not being able to afford my monthly beauty parlour pampering routine due to financial issues is rather off-putting! So, someone with appropriate salary levels is required. This filter narrows the choice from 550 to roughly 250.
At this point, you begin to think that finding a “suitable boy” is more difficult than going to the moon for a weekend away. But, it’s not over yet! Appropriate salary levels do not guarantee education. And most men are put off by my multiple postgraduate degrees, or intimidated by it. You see, not everyone is jobless enough to do the same thing twice! For a man to be ok with my education, he himself must have been jobless enough to take up graduate study at least once in this life, if not twice. This filter reduces the sample size from 250 to roughly 200. That’s not bad actually, given that an MBA is rather easy to get nowadays and people seem to think of it as an essential rather than as an added qualification. So far so good!
If you are thinking that it shouldn’t be difficult for me to find one of 200 people, wait till you hear the rest. At 5 feet and 9 inches, I tower over most Indian men. This implies than only men who are taller than 5’9” are eligible. This is where most of the filtering occurs. The sample size that was previously a decent 200 comes down to a rather difficult-to-choose-from 40. Of the 40 left, Dad allows me to look at each of the individual profiles to decide if they must call. Now, I must admit I have expectations that are not easy to match. To know more, you should probably click to read this! While that post was a bit of an exaggeration, it’s true that my expectations are quite high! This translates to 3 shortlisted candidates out of 40. 5 if it’s a particularly good month. Of the 3, one only wants a Vadama Iyer, another wants his wife to quit her job after marriage and the third has just found a soulmate 30 seconds before mom’s call! So…that leaves me with zero!
This drama repeats month after month. Sometimes, twice in the last year, there is one soul who is brave enough to actually agree to meet me! Heaven help him! Any wonder then that a year on, I am still single? Mom says there is an “Aayirathil Oruvan” waiting somewhere for me. I am thinking it’s closer to being roughly 1: 10826! 😛
Chivalry is dead? Oh no!! I hope not!
There are a few things that irritate me. And then there are those that infuriate. Finally, there are things that do both. This article managed precisely that: to infuriate and irritate, like scratching nails on a blackboard. You get my point? Yeah! Exactly!
Don’t get me wrong. I surely have problems with sexism; only, my definition of it differs from the ones mentioned by the bloggers mentioned. I mean…what’s the deal with chivalry huh? I am rather flattered that a man choses to hold the door open for me or that he has the decency to offer to pay the restaurant bill while taking me out. I don’t judge myself on my capacity to open doors or carry heavy boxes. Whoever said that when a man offers to carry a woman’s boxes or shopping bags, he does it because he doesn’t believe her to capable of doing so herself? I am a woman and I find it very considerate and courteous when a man apologizes for using swear words in front of me. Indeed, I would take great offense if a man were to use the f-word to me in any context, unless he was a very close friend of mine. I frankly do not see why these women are so outraged about chivalry and understand even less how holding a door open for someone would amount to infantilizing.
This attitude strikes me as wrong on so many levels. One, these women mistakenly assume that every man looks at a woman as nothing but an object (of desire, love, hate, protection et al.). I beg to differ. There are men who firmly believe that women are individuals in their own right and yet, will wait to hold the door open for them, will offer to carry their boxes, will pay the bill on a first date and will stand by her in a fight, come what may. I personally know at least two such men, for whom chivalry simply equals manners. It has nothing to do with dehumanizing, infantilizing or patronizing women.
Second, these women appear to feel the inexplicable need for proving they are good every single time. I don’t lose anything by admitting that I need help carrying heavy boxes. And no, I certainly will not take offense to being offered help for it. In fact, dating a man who refuses to carry my shopping bags or makes me carry all the heavy stuff while walking empty-handed is a rather huge turn-off! No modern-day feminism for me: thank you very much!
That brings me to my final point. Taking offense to every damned thing a man does for a woman and calling it sexist is certainly not the brand of feminism I believe in. Feminism is about equality of opportunity. It is about not being made to feel like a second-class citizen because of my gender. It is being given the same my brother would be and not being denied something just because I am a girl.
So, my appeal to all those trigger-happy feminists out there would be this. Could you please stop taking offense to every damn thing a man may or may not do? And in the meantime, let me enjoy the little pleasures of life…including allowing a man to hold my door open and carry my boxes. I don’t fancy doing all the hard work myself!! 😛
Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya – a review
I finally watched the much-celebrated Gautham Menon film, Vinnaithandi Varuvaaya on Tuesday. Cinematically, there were things that worked, and did not worked, like with every film I watch. But personally, the film tends to get boring and drags interminably at times. Mine is not an exhaustive review. They are simply jottings of how I felt when I watched the movie.
What worked…
Flashes of brilliance in story-telling: the only fight sequence where our man comes across as truly angry and normal, the scene in the Central Park where Simbu and Trisha meet after a three year gap. Simbu’s acting: for a change it is real. No overacting, no unnecessary mannerisms and best of all, he looks amazingly good! I am no fan of Simbu but he completely bowled me over in this film. This just goes to prove that at the hands of a capable director anyone can be a good actor. The family is normal: father as strict but loving, mom as non-interfering but concerned, sister warning him this will not work but still not wanting to refuse help. It’s so real that you feel like this is home. And finally, AR Rahman’s awesome soundtrack. So much better than the much-praised Rahman of Jai Ho!
What did not work…
The sheer number of songs breaks the rhythm and flow of the plot. Somehow they seem to be hampering the progress of the story. Trisha is plastic. I mean…really plastic! It’s one thing to be restrained, but quite another to look like a doll throughout the movie. The supposedly-enigmatic Mona Lisa smile is far from enigmatic: just infuriating. At one point, when Simbu asks, “There are so many women in the world. Why Jessie?” you seriously consider the question and look for an answer. Also, there seems to be a major flaw in Jessie’s character. She doesn’t know what she wants. She asks him to come and fetch her one day…and two days later decides she doesn’t want him anymore. One can be headstrong, convinced and still be indecisive. Jessie, on the other hand, comes across as completely confused. She wants him but is scared to ask her father, knowing fully well that he will never agree. After a while she decides to get into the relationship, only to back out a short while later. On the whole, she is confusing!
The bottomline: Good to watch once. But beyond that, if you want to watch a coherent love story, this is not it. It is very messy, very down-to-earth and very real. And it does tug at your heartstrings at times. If only rarely!
The 100 things tag!
Just when I am struggling to write two sentences coherently, this tag from Titaxy came as a blessing in disguise. I am taking up this tag voluntarily. I don’t know if I will be able to answer each of the questions honestly, but let me try! So…here we go!
LAST
1. Last beverage: Coffee
2. Last phone call: DS
3. Last text message: Sriram
4. Last song you listened to: Can’t remember…but I think it was something from VTV
5. Last time you cried: Friday, February 26, 2010…don’t ask me why!HAVE YOU EVER
6. Dated someone twice? No way!
7. Been cheated on? Hmmm…
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Nope!
9. Lost someone special? Nandini
10. Been depressed? Of course…much more than was ever required I think.
11. Been drunk and thrown up? Nope! Seriously…no!
12. Kissed a stranger? No ways!
13. Lost glasses/contacts? No.
14. Had sex on first date? Are you crazy?
15. Broken someone’s heart? Yes…I suppose…
16. Had your own heart broken? Yes…what goes around, comes around! 😉
17. Been arrested? Not yet! Thank god for small mercies.
18. Turned someone down? Yes.
19. Cried when someone died? Of course. Nandini again.
20. Liked a friend that is a girl? No.IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU
21. Made new friends? Plenty…some very close ones.
22. Fallen out of love? Yes
23. Laughed until you cried? Many times. 😀
24. Met someone who changed you? Yes. One. No…make that two!
25. Found out who your true friends were? Yes. Finally!
26. Found out someone was talking about you? Yes. But, you think I care a damn?WHAT’S YOUR
27. Name: Amrutha
28. Nicknames: Ammu (Ugh!! But yeah! It’s an oft-used nickname) and Varsha
29. Relationship status: Isn’t that obvious? Single of course!
30. Zodiac sign: Libra. A true-blue one.
31. Male or female or transgendered: Again obvious I thought. Female!
32. Elementary: Why now?? It’s over…!
33. School: Same as above… 😉
34. Colleges: WCC, Sciences Po, Madras Unviersity…hopefully Fletcher or Columbia next! Anyone willing to sponsor my PhD?? 😛
35. Hair color: Black
36. Long or short: Wish it were longer.
37. Height: Tall…very tall. 5’9″FIRSTS
38. First surgery: None to date.
39. First piercing: As a 4 month-old I think. I was too small to remember.
40. First best friend: Meghna Nair. Does anyone know where she is today?
41. First sport you loved: Tennis.
42. First pet: None
43. First vacation: You expect me to remember that?
44. First concert: Euphoria at Sarang. I can’t remember if it was 2000 or 2001.RIGHT NOW
45. Eating: Nothing
46. Drinking: Nothing
47. I’m about to: Go for a break!
48. Listening to: People discussing Oracle all around me! Not very interesting mind you!
49. Waiting for: Interesting news from somewhere…anywhere…am bored!YOUR FUTURE
50. Want kids? Of course!
51. Want to get married? Since I don’t exactly fancy being a single mom, the answer would be yes!
52. Careers in mind? Yeah…of course! But depending on my mood, it goes from full-time chef to part-time mom… 😉WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
53. Lips or eyes: In a man…eyes I suppose!
54. Hugs or kisses: Both please….! But, if I have to choose, kisses!
55. Shorter or taller: At least as tall as me. Taller if possible.
56. Older or younger: My age…or older…younger men are too immature for me to handle!
57. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneously romantic. But yeah…spontaneity wins any day!
58. Nice stomach or nice arms: Ahem….dunno! Will let you know when I find out. My guess is…arms.
59. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
60. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.
61. Trouble maker or hesitant: What’s the fun with a hesitant guy? Trouble-maker of course!DO YOU BELIEVE IN
62. Yourself: Of course. I am the only thing I have.
63. Miracles: Yes.
64. Love at first sight: No. Attraction maybe, but not love.
65. Heaven: Yes. Of course.
66. Santa Claus: Where are my gifts if he exists?
67. Kiss on the first date: Nope
68. Angels: Yes…otherwise there would never be happiness in the world.LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS
69. Red
70. Black
71. White
72. Peacock blue…
73. Have you kissed anyone on your friends list? Nope!
74. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? A good 99%. Mebbe one or two people I’ve never met.
75. How many kids do you want to have? I honestly don’t know. One at least.
76. Do you have any pets? No.
77. Do you want to change your name? Why on earth?
78. What did you do for your last birthday? Spent time with family.
79. What time did you wake up today? 7.10
80. What were you doing at midnight last night? Talking on phone.
81. Name something you CANNOT wait for? A vacation. NOW!!
82. Last time you saw your father? This morning around 8.30
83. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? Nothing. My life may not be perfect but each decision, each blunder, each turn has been a lesson. I have learnt more from mistakes than I could ever learn from success.
84. Most visited webpage: Google
85. Do you have a crush on someone? Right now…yes.
86. Ever been in love? Of course!
87. Piercings? Ears, nostril.
88. Tattoos? Yuck! No.
89. Righty or lefty: Righty
90. On Internet since: 2000 I think.
91. Video game: I don’t play much. But when I do, it’s Age of Empires.
92. When left alone: I read, listen to music, blog.ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
93. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
94. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? One is bad enough. Why more than that?
95. Wanted to kill some one ever? Yes. Many times, many people.
96. Among you blog mates, who would you like to kiss? None.
97. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Yes.
98. Wanted to steal you friend’s boyfriend / girlfriend? Not yet! 😛
99. Wanted to run away from your loved ones in anger, because they didn’t listen? Nope!
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Yes.Relationships…
…are complicated. By their very nature, relationships are complicated business. Of late, I have read many posts about domestic violence, complications in relationship and related stuff. I don’t know if I want to submit my entries for any kind of contest, mainly because I can’t frame my writing to such rules. But write, I will. I can’t speak of domestic violence or rape or anything else. Much has been said and written, and there is really nothing left to say. But, one thing that does make me think and reflect is psychological abuse.
Just how much is too much? I would say that every person who loves another is possessive to a certain extent. I am too. I would also get jealous if my husband or boyfriend got too close to another woman. I have. But, where do we draw the line?
I remember a conversation I had with D sometime back. Leisurely sipping a cup of coffee in the cafeteria, he said, “Have you ever thought of possessiveness as a form of love?” I protested, vehemently. One who loved could never distrust his partner enough to be jealous, I argued. No, he said. You are mistaken. The more attached you are emotionally, the more possessive you get, he said. This statement came with a disclaimer though. Not that possessiveness is a good thing; it is not. But, trust me, he said, it’s natural.
This argument continued for days, pausing every once in a while to wonder where we must draw the line between possessiveness and controlling. I still have no answers. But, to me love is all-accepting, and tolerant. When one partner becomes controlling, manipulative and irrational, it starts bordering on psychological abuse.
Domestic violence does not have to be physical. While hitting, slapping and marital rape are the most obvious and extreme forms of abuse, psychological abuse is much harder to detect and much more damaging in the long run. When a person refuses to express his/her deepest fears, most intimate desires and most important confusions to the one they are sharing their life with fear of rejection, criticism or abandonment, it could classify as psychological abuse. Trust me when I say that it takes very long to get out of that mind-set and learn to speak freely.
If you find yourself hiding things because you fear reprisal, fights, criticism, name-calling or abandonment, then you are in an abusive relationship. If you find yourself branded as a slut, a whore or as characterless because you happen to disagree with what your partner says and have many friends of the opposite sex, you most probably will be abused physically as well later. There is only one way out of this mess. Leave when you still have the time. Otherwise, it might be too late.