I read, in quick succession, a couple of posts on domestic violence. It got me thinking. Why do men beat up their wives? Anger? Passion? Inability to keep one’s sanity? Drinking? Most of the time, we assume that men who drink, who are unfaithful, who are inept, are the ones beating up their partners. But sadly, I find that none of these need to lead to violence. Yes, drinking makes it easier for a man to justify his behaviour. But, the actual reason lies elsewhere. It’s about control. It’s about domination.

When I was in college, I studied Women’s Studies. I studied rape from an academic perspective. The first thing I discovered was that rape was not a sex crime. It was not for sex that women were raped. They were raped because the men who raped them had a point to make. Of being stronger, more powerful, better. Domestic violence falls under the same category. Only, it’s more difficult to detect, identify or control. For one simple reason. The man who beats is the one who is supposed to protect. And more than anything else, it is not the wife’s responsibility to ensure she is not hit. Why do people not understand that the abuser is at fault? The comment quoted by Ra is a case in point. Women are attracted to violence? What the hell? Why are women always held responsible for what happens to them? It hurts when girls are told that they were teased on the road by some loafer because they must have dressed provocatively. It angers me that women are told to wear only salwar kameez because boys will be distracted by me if they turn up in jeans. It irritates me and causes me to rebel when I see some vague engineering college in Chennai enforce gender-based segregation because they don’t want their boys getting spoilt by under-dressed female classmates. Why can’t the world see sense?

As a woman, it’s my business how I want to dress. A woman’s dress, her job or her behaviour is not an excuse to beat her. I fell the need to tell all those women out there who are in abusive relationships one thing. If a man hits you, he can’t love you. A man who loves you will get upset when he sees you hurt. A man who loves you will risk his life to ensure you are not in pain. A man who loves you will get angry with you for crying over a friend’s death because he can’t see you cry. A man who really loves you will suggest you don’t do things that make you unhappy. So, if you have a partner who is abusive, he probably doesn’t love you. Stop deluding yourself. Walk out when you are still alive. Please.


4 thoughts on “Abuse

  • January 18, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Have you noticed how it is always a woman who gets raped- never a person who rapes a woman- it is another version f the “asking for it” mentality{ compare it to a bank getting robbed, to men robbing a bank, we rarely hear the former}. A girl gets “eve-teased,” wtf is “eve- teasing”- another euphemism for sexual molestation. It is horrible how the very reporting of these crimes push the victims out more rather than the aggressors.

    I agree. It’s as if she went and got herself into that situation. The rapist is never the talking point. It’s always the victim.

  • January 18, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    Great Post!! It riles me up so much when I hear justification for rapes and molestation, in that ‘the girl asked for it’! It is amazing isn’t it that some elements of the male species finds it so difficult to ‘resist’ just because a woman might not be ‘dressed properly’! The noida rape case – a few days ago – the rapists justified it by saying ‘ One of us saw the girl and the boy inside the car and then we forced ourselves inside the car’ – as if that justifies the rape!!! As for the manner in which it is reported – the lesser said the better!

    Oh absolutely! The standard procedure is to blame the victim. And despite many court verdicts and statements by the CJI, lawyers routinely question the victim’s character while trying a rape case. They seem to conveniently forget the fact that even a prostitute does not deserve to be raped.

  • January 21, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Hello Amrutha
    It’s not about the post, I read it but don’t know what to say about it.
    It’s about a strange thing. I have you in my blogroll but in my blog the last update of yours is shown as ‘call centre saga’ some three weeks back. You are one among the few bloggers who update regularly and I was just wondering what happened. And just now when I paid a visit I found out that you are updating it quite regularly, may be your switching over to wordpress might’ve caused it. Anyway, may you write more and more relevant posts this year too.

    Thanks Arun. I think the switch created probs for more than one person. I tried posting on the original blogspot blog asking people to resubscribe. But apparently you didn’t get that either. But anyway, welcome back. 🙂

  • May 7, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Hi amrutha. I am a student of NUJS, Kolkatta currently working at Breakthrough, Delhi. This post ]caught my eye as it very sensitively deals with the current issue of abuse of women by men to show position of authority. And you have managed to put the issue in focus quite well.
    Well, I work on a youth oriented site called http://www.bellbajao.org and would love for you to blog on it. We have blogs on similar styles and themes, spotlighting those individuals and groups of people who work around the issue of Domestic Violence in particular and Violence against women in general, partnering and collaborating with women who are deeply entrenched in the fight for gender equality.
    Please visit the site and do write back to me at namrata_2224@hotmail.com about your thoughts on the campaign.And if you’re interested, do blog on the site as well. And if you’re a regular blogger, we’d be happy to put you on our blogroll and crosslink your blog page on our site.

    Thanks and hoping to hear from you,


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