Remembering…

I just realised I will turn 25 next month. I also just realised that it has been 4 years since I left college. I hated everything while I was there; the library, the department, the rules, the restrictions…everything. Now, I wish I could go back. Go back to the carefree life I led while I was at college. My worries, my problems, my crushes: all of them seem trivial now. It’s amazing what four years can do to you. My biggest worry at 21 was whether I would be able to sneak out of college to go watch a rock show at Saarang. Now, I would give anything to be able to worry about that. I suppose it is only normal that people change. In college, I got into trouble every other day. But, come what may, I knew there was one person who would back me up and stand by me. Nandini. Today, I remember those times when I did not value her. I remember those times I did not bother to call and find out how she was doing. It’s been a year. A year since I learnt I would never hear her scream into the phone in excitement again. A year since I learnt that I could never again kick her for screaming into my ear. A year since I lost someone I truly loved and never told her that I loved.

I know people don’t come back from the dead. I know I am not being realistic in expecting her to call. I still pick up my phone and dial her number sometimes. Yet, I know I need to stop. I wish I could wind the clock back a couple of years. I wish I could have spent more time with her. I wish I could set all the wrongs right. I wish I could have at least told her how much she meant. Unfortunately, all that we wish does not come true… Why her? I suppose it’s just fate. I don’t know who else to blame. I don’t know how else to reconcile to her death. I hope she knew she was loved…