Society and Institutions
On marriages – love or otherwise
Yesterday, I watched a programme on television. It was a talk show discussing love marriages. Before we go on, tell me something. Aren’t marriages in general supposed to be about love? But anyway, to come to the point, one set of people was vehemently opposing love marriages on the grounds that they broke relationships.
One elderly couple, married for 37 years were among those who opposed love marriages. The point to note here is that the couple had themselves married for love.The man repeatedly called his wife, someone affected by infantile paralysis and unable to walk properly, as handicapped. At one point, he said he married her because he wanted to do social service by marrying a handicapped girl. As he put it in Tamil, “Evvalavo paeru kalyanam pannikuraanga. Naan oru handicapped ponnukku vaazhkkai kodukka virumbinen.” Translated, it means “Many people get married. But, I wanted to give life to a handicapped girl.” My first reaction to this statement was one of shock. The first word that came out of my mouth was, WTF?
Correct me if I am wrong, but a man who feels he has sacrificed his life to marry his wife of 37 years doesn’t really know the meaning of love. He married her out of pity. He is living with her out of a sense of sacrifice. Frankly, I can never love someone who doesn’t love me unconditionally. Love is accepting someone for who he is. Warts and all. Love is wanting to spend the rest of your life with that someone because you know that’s what you want. You can’t marry someone out of pity. If you do, then there is no love in the equation.
The second question is that of parents and family. Most people who spoke against “love marriages” said that love marriages break up families. In practically all these cases, the parents had stuck to their positions for reasons ranging from caste and religion to plain ego, and had refused to accept the marriage. The blame for that invariably falls on the couple. The couple is blamed for falling in love, for wanting to act outside of accepted societal norms, for daring to take a decision on a life that’s rightfully theirs, and accused of being selfish for not thinking of their parents feelings. I mean, what the hell? Why should I be apologetic about falling in love, about choosing the person I am going to live with for the next 40 years, about just wanting to live my life? I don’t get it at all.
Next, the question of the parents’ aspirations for their child. Parents bring their children up with utmost care. They choose the best school, the best college, the best clothes and the best food. Great! I am happy to have parents like that. But, what about what I want? Parents who allowed their children a choice in clothes, education, food and career refuse to allow them the same choice in life. Why? Why is it that I am old enough to vote, mature enough to choose my career, good enough to travel the world alone, but not fit to choose the man I want to live with? Are parents’ dreams of a grand wedding for their child more important that the child’s dream of spending the rest of their life with a person of their choice? Are society’s expectations more important than a person’s free will? And just who is this society to judge every one of our actions?
Finally, people need to get one thing right. We don’t fall in love because we want to have sex. Love affairs are not equal to pre-marital sex. Certainly, sex is a part of the equation, like it will be in any romantic relationship. It’s foolish to expect it not to. But, do we seriously believe that arranged marriages are better because there is no sex possible between the couple before it? If we do, then we are fooling ourselves. We do not choose to fall in love. It just happens. Not all love marriages succeed. Just as some arranged marriages may fail too. But, why beat us because we have fallen in love? Why lecture us about how important it is to let the family choose our partner?
To be honest, it would have been easy for me to walk out and get married. But, I don’t want to. Because I, just like him, want to keep my relationship with my family intact. The fact that a couple in love thinks about family and relationships while taking the plunge is proof that love does not always break a family. It can actually help build it. Stop beating us up about the choices we make. Stop asking us to explain, justify and describe our relationship. Anyone can fall in love. It’s human, it’s natural. Stop criticising “love marriages” in support of a system that was created to keep property within the community, and society divided into thousands of castes.
Of surnames and married women
The Sanjay Dutt controversy is something everyone is talking about. I just want to know why he can’t shut up and stop behaving like a spoilt brat. There is simply no point in discussing whether Priya Dutt should remain Dutt. A woman’s name is her business. She is the only one who has the right to decide what it should be. It’s quite simple you know?
A woman is an individual in her own right. She is not just Mrs. So-an-so or Miss. So-and-so. She is just herself. She has an identity, a job, a passport, a driving license, and maybe even property in her name. It is entirely her right to decide what that name should be. Marriage is something that happens in everyone’s life. I don’t see why that should bring about a major change in identity. Chandni speaks of this issue here. She can’t understand why a woman should undergo a major change in everything she holds close to her heart simply because someone has walked into her life. I agree. Why? Why should I change my name?
Now, before you think I have an attachment to my name, let me clarify. I don’t exactly like my surname. I have no emotional attachment to it. I am Ms. Upendran. Great! But, tomorrow, if I cease to be Ms. Upendran and become Mrs. XYZ…well…ok too. But, whether I stay Ms. Upendran or become Mrs. XYZ is my choice. Right? Why is this so difficult to get? I may choose to keep my maiden name for the convenience it offers. I may also choose to take on my husband’s name because I know it means something to him. But, in a civilized society, I should not have to justify my choices to anyone. I should not have to explain why I retained my maiden name. That’s my business.
Many people, especially women, don’t get this simple thing. A friend from college sent me a friends’ invite on orkut. I didn’t recognise her. The reason is that she had changed not only her surname, but also her first name. And suddenly, I receive a request from someone called ABC DEF while I knew her in college as PQR XYZ. What the hell? How am I supposed to react? When I asked her why she changed her first name, she told me her husband did not like her first name and so she was forced to change it. I have responded to the name Amrutha for the last 26 years. Someone comes along and declares he hates that name and henceforth I should be called Alamelu. And to oblige him, I change it too. What the hell? Where is my individuality? What happens to me, the person? I am someone’s wife, someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s daughter-in-law, but me? Ever thought about it?
Sanjay Dutt was only echoing the sentiments of millions of Indians who think the same way. He can be branded an MCP, but we are only fooling ourselves if we believe that he is the only one around. Unfortunately for us, most people think this way. It is a woman’s responsibility to do everything possible to be accepted into the husband’s family. What about the family’s responsibility? Is it not their responsibility too to ensure the new bride does not feel left out? We never talk about it. We don’t have the guts to do it. Because, all said and done, we live in a male dominated society. Whether we like to accept it or not.
Legalising live-in relationships
No, I am not doing that mandatory post on Obama. Many others have done it. You can read those. I personally do not care what happens to Obama. I am going to wait and watch how this reflects on US-India relations. In the meantime, read this article on the Times of India, on legalising live-in relationships. It contributes very little to the debate, being as it is, a report. But what gets my goat is the refusal of either the media or the people involved (husbands, wives, lawyers or the general public) to recognise that the live-in girlfriend need not necessarily be the "other woman." She may as well be the only woman in the man’s life.
One comment by an aggrieved wife goes thus.
“If those who are living together want the same rights as married couples, there’s an easy answer: Let them get married. They can’t have their cake and eat it too. And has anyone spared a thought for the wife,’’ says Riddhima, a 36-year-old whose husband left her two years ago and has since moved in with a colleague.
Right! Of course. I agree that she has been wronged and have every right to feel that way. But, how is it fair that she blame the girlfriend? Also, what difference does it make to her status as wife? She is still the legally wedded wife. She still has a right over her husband’s property, and alimony in case of divorce. Why is she so against the girlfriend having the same rights? To say, "let them get married" is ridiculous. Any number of people stay out of wedlock for many reasons. It is the unwillingness to commit for some, the fear of responsibility for some, and maybe an ideological problem for others. Marriage is essentially a social contract. Personally, I think marriage is the way to go if the people are serious in the relationship. But, I do know some who consider marriage a waste of time, money and energy, especially the way it is done today. Are we going to penalise them for wanting to live their lives the way they deem fit? I think not. While social sanction cannot be forced, at least the law must take steps to ensure that cohabitation is treated on par with marriage. The Maharashtra government proposal is a step in the right direction.
Next, the question of children arises. There should be no legal difference between children born to married partners and those born to unmarried partners. The concept of an illegitimate child, in itself, is too archaic to be retained in the 21st century. After all , it is not the child’s fault that the parents chose not to get married. How is fair to label a child as "illegitimate"? Adultery or not, the children must be given equal rights as children born within a marriage. The protests of the "wronged woman" are, more often than not, a case of misplaced anger. They find themselves incapable of doing anything their cheating husbands and thus turn their anger on the "other woman." I find that grossly unfair. For all we know, the other woman is a victim too.
Finally, one argument against the proposal was made by a noted lawyer, Mahesh Jethmalani. He asks,
But the amendment has its critics, as noted lawyer Mahesh Jethmalani says, “It is like allowing bigamy for married men. Is the government trying to recommend polygamy?”(…)“Only a small number of couples live in, so what is the urgency for such a proposal?’’ asks Jethmalani.
Wait a second. Only a small number are live-in couples. So, there is no need for a law. By that logic, only a small number of people commit murder. So, there is no need for a law there either right? Since when is law governed by the will or need of the majority? Do minorities of all hues and shades not have a right to a decent law? Even if only 1% of India’s total population lives in, they still must have a law to ensure that their rights are protected. The law of the majority is simply regressive in this case. That such an argument is coming from a noted lawyer is shocking. I can only hope that the debate is conducted the right way, taking into account the fact that an increasing number of young, never-married, couples are choosing to live-in without marriage. We need comprehensive guidelines for them. Even if they are minuscule portion of India’s population.
Bringing up daughters
One post caught my attention recently. Reema talks about parenting and bringing up daughters. Combining anecdotes with personal experience, she paints a rather accurate picture of what exactly happens today. Thanks Reema, for being objective and analytical. I am not going to comment on parenting methods, because I am not one. I have no idea on how to bring up a child. But, I would definitely like to contribute to the discussion as a daughter.
She cites three incidents, all of them illustrating how excessive control can actually backfire. I guess I have a lot to learn from them. Reema says all there is to say about what she calls misguided discipline. I agree. But, what I have never been able to understand is why parents feel the need to do what they do. Yes, they have given birth to the children. But, the children are individuals too. They are not cattle or property that can be subjected to stupid rules that make no sense. First, and the most obvious problem is the dress code. My cousin, all of 9 years of age is not permitted to wear short skirts or tight-fitting clothes because "everything is seen." I mean, what the hell? She is all of 9 years old for heaven’s sake. She is refused capris or shorts because she is a girl and cannot expose too much of her legs. She is refused plunging (or even relatively high) necklines because her slip is visible. She is made to wear clothes that look like they have been stitched in the 60s because they are the only "conservative" ones around. Imagine her plight at 18. Thankfully, I have never had to follow such ridiculous restrictions. My mother’s taste in clothes have always been more modern and even bolder than mine. I am thankful to have a mother like that.
Second, the problem of guys. Not all women fall in love and get married. Even among those who do, not all run away from home. Forbidding contact with guys or threatening to lock them up hardly serves the purpose. If someone had treated me like that, I would have eloped a long time ago. Liberty brings responsibility. And children are smart enough to realise that. Unfortunately, parents seem to be too dumb to realise that their kids are smart.
And finally, one comment on the above post pointed out that parents get their daughters married off when they are still studying to avoid problems caused by a possible love affair. Someone I know is getting her daughter married. The girl is 20. She is her third year. She is getting married to a man who is 30, going on 31. The justification?
"We want to get rid of our liabilities. Plus we have a son. We need to save for his education right? What do we do for his engineering seat if we spend all our money on educating our daughter? Plus, her cousin had a love marriage. What if my daughter gets such idiotic ideas too?"
I find this attitude shocking. For me, it was a rude awakening. I had assumed that only uneducated, economically backward families behaved like this. And here we have a chartered accountant drawing a hefty salary of 8 lakhs per annum telling me that his daughter is a liability he must get rid of in order to educate his son better. What about the girl’s education? He says it is not important. Because she is going to make babies and stay in the kitchen anyway. So, what’s the point in sponsoring her MBA? Then is the question of love marriages. Her cousin fell in love. So? Is that a crime? I am in love too. How does that make me a bad girl? The problem is that they don’t want any social criticism. Society and "people" are more important to them than their daughter. What can I say? All this makes me wonder if India has really progressed as much as we claim it has. I think not.
Arranging marriages – part II
I just came across this post by Nita. As always, she analyses the issue objectively and dispassionately, something I can never do. Maybe I will as I get older. This post is also a reply to Sidhusaaheb’s comment on the previous post on arranged marriages. He links to a Times of India article stating that arranged marriages are catching up in the west. Interesting piece of news that. But, in the western context, arranged marriages would simply mean going on a blind date and eventually deciding to get married to that person.
First things first, as I clarified in the previous post on the issue, arranged marriages per se are not bad. Indeed, I know many people who have had arranged marriages and are living happily. The problem arises when these arranged marriages are forced on the people getting married. Take for example, the custom of getting married to one’s first cousin or maternal uncle. A girl is forced to get married to her first cousin because the wealth should not go out of the family. This is often the case with men too. Even when the age difference is very high, such arrangements are made for reasons varying from finances to keeping the family together.
Also, the fact that the west is adopting this system does not automatically justify its existence in the 21st century. I continue to believe that people should be free to choose their partners. Whether it is for love, or for other considerations, is immaterial. What is important is that the choice be with those getting married. Much as we claim that India has evolved, this evolution remains confined to urbanised, educated India. Even in this category, there continue to be forced marriages, even if this reality is too difficult for us to accept.