Almost echoing my train of thought on love, is this post by Julie. Sometimes, I wonder if I share some sort of psychic connection or something with her. And she wonders the same. Anyway, Julie wants to know if we are ever too blasé for love. Maybe we are. But that’s not the only thing that strikes a chord. When she speaks of being a loner, an only child, not having, nor desiring human or even animal company, something resonates in my heart. The feeling of being alone. But unlike her, for me, it was never a pleasant feeling.

But, as she says, wanting to be alone, or preferring solitude to company is probably a sign of cowardice. I have been guilty of that myself. Sometimes, I don’t want friendship, nor love. Because I wonder if there is some such thing as true love. But, I also know that it exists. Julie calls people who still believe in true love as having the audacity to hope. I know I believe. I believe in love. I believe in the innate goodness of humankind. I still trust unconditionally. But unfortunately, I only end up getting hurt. Every time. But I don’t think I want to change. Ever. I will still believe, despite getting hurt many times over. I will not give up! And yes, I will still continue to have that audacity to hope.

PS: Yes, I am still not out of that philosophical mood…

I am in one of my philosophical moods. I don’t know how long this will last. Maybe it will go away tomorrow or maybe it will last another week, another month…no idea! But when I am in such a mood, it becomes a bit difficult for me to write humour, or anything else non-philosophical for that matter. Yesterday, I was reading Ponniyin Selvan. Again. Kalki describes the meeting between Vanthiyathevan and Kundavai. And here, he talks of that famous story of Adam and Eve being created on either sides of a mountain. They had everything they needed but something was missing. They finally burrowed through the mountain and discovered one another. They fell in love and lived happily ever after.

When I first read this story at the age of 14, I believed it. Perhaps because I was still a naïve and stupid teenager. I genuinely believed that someone, somewhere was made for me. That one day, he would come to me, on a white charger and take me away. Movies like Dil To Pagal Hai and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun only fed my already overactive imagination. But today, when I look back, it seems stupid. Stupid to believe that one call fall in love at first sight, that when you look at someone you know he is the one for you. Maybe I am too much of a cynic, but I look at hundreds of people every day. At best, if I found a guy attractive, I would tell myself he is attractive. Or that he would make a potential candidate for husband. I don’t think he is the only one for me. And I definitely don’t fall in love.

To be blunt, I don’t think love at first sight exists. People may agree or disagree. But, to me, it’s a myth. It’s a product of overactive imaginations of millions of teenaged girls fed on a staple diet of black and white heroes and heroines of the Mills and Boon novels. Just like I will never find a tall, dark and handsome Greek business tycoon to get married to, I will never fall in love at first sight. Because, as they say, appearances are deceptive. People are not black or white. We are all simply shades of grey. Some dark. Some lighter. We are all flawed because we are human. And to judge human beings, even a lifetime is not enough. We are that complicated.

So, am I saying that love is non-existent? No. Most definitely not. Love exists. But love is what we feel for an abandoned pup, for our parents, for siblings, for our partner of many years…Love is when an 80-year old woman still gets up at 5 in the morning to make hot coffee for her husband of 60 years. Love is when the husband of 60 years feels lonely and lost the minute his wife falls sick and is in hospital. Love is felt…and almost never explained. Because, to me, love is inexplicable and indefinable.

Dharmathin vaazhvadhanai soodhu kavvum,
dharmam marubadiyum vellum
marumathai nammaley ulangam karkum,
vazhi thedi vidhi intha seygai seythaan
karumatthai maenmelum kaanbom indru,
kattundom poruthiruppom, kaalam maarum
dharmathai appodhu vella kaanbom,
dhanu undu gaandeevam athan per endran

Yesterday, I came across these words, from Bharathi’s Paanchaali Sabatham. Entirely by co-incidence I must say. It immediately prompted me to update my Facebook status with a cryptic (or not-so-cryptic) message. Too many feelings…too few words…

Loosely translated, these immortal words preach patience. They represent the eternal hope that no matter what happens, tomorrow will be a better day. When I was in college, we would get caught every other day for some silly prank. A class missed, a lie told, a fake permission slip…something. And as is the case with most college students, we were dumb enough to actually get caught. Sometimes, it would get worse than anticipated. We would be pulled up, shouted at and even punished. And again, as is the case with most teenaged girls, I would get upset. So upset that I would refuse to eat, or drink…or even talk. I would be miserable. At such times, Nandini would come up to me and say, “This too will pass.”

Today, she is not there to tell me this any more. But, the message still holds true. Kattundom…let’s be patient…poruthiruppom…let’s wait. Kaalam maarum…times will change! Sounds familiar? To me it strikes a very powerful chord. Nandini’s words in college…this too will pass… Dad’s words at the worst times of my life…kaalam maarum…times will change. Today, I realize that truer words have never been spoken. Times will change. Life will, and must, come a full circle. Today, like no other day in my life, I fully understand what it means to be patient, to wait, to bide my time and hope.

A break-up, a fight, a newly-found friend, parents, friends…even money, house, car…everything! Life definitely comes a full circle. I am perhaps being completely incoherent right now, but I don’t care. Words that were once hurled at me with a hurtful callousness are now being hurled back at those who used them in the first place. And, strangely, I don’t feel good. In fact, I wish things did not have to be this way.

The ridicule, the criticism, the pain, the unhappiness, or even the joy and the euphoria… all of them seem meaningless today. Because life, as they say, catches up with you at some point. Because times change. Because life comes a full circle. Does all this make any sense at all? Or are these just meaningless rants?