Random musings…on Bollywood!
Sitting at home during the weekend with pretty much nothing to do means that you spend all your time catching up on TV. Now, this was one of the rare instances when I didn’t feel like picking up a book to read. Switching channels, I found Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, that cult movie of the 90’s. Even as a teen, I never really understood the brouhaha about the whole thing, but as a nearing-30 adult, the movie makes me cringe.
This sickeningly sweet story about college love involves two best friends, one of which is a tomboyish girl. This Karan Johar movie (along with several others over the next decade) basically try to brainwash their viewers into believing that for a man to love a woman, she needs to act either like a cultured Indian woman, or like a brainless bimbo.
I am probably not supposed to read so much meaning into the whole thing, but I couldn’t help asking some questions as I was watching it. Our hero is ok with flirting with everything in skirts, but will only take a sanskari bharatiya ladki to mom as potential bride. His “best friend” in shorts, girl masquerading as boy, only exists to save his ass from random people? Sounds hypocritical, doesn’t it? And, when our hero realizes that his latest crush is just back from London, he dismisses her as an Angrez until she sings “Om Jai Jagdeesh”? Jeez! Give me a break!
Several years later, when the crush-turned-girlfriend-turned-wife is dead, she leaves behind a letter to her daughter stating that our hero and his “best friend” must get married. The child, in an annoyingly know-it-all manner takes it upon herself to brig the two soulmates together. So far so good? Hold your breath! How can our hero fall for a tomboy? So, the tomboy now grows her hair and is draped in transparent saris to be rendered attractive to our hero, who comes to his senses and falls for her. Wait a second! Something wrong here? Is there a rule that men must only love women with long hair who generally act like bimbos? And whatever happened to our heroine? A perfectly sane and sensible woman suddenly goes all mushy and even challenges the hero to a game of basketball (in a sari), which she eventually loses to satiate the hero’s ego!
I know I am probably a decade (or more) too late with this critique. But, I simply couldn’t help myself. It grates on my nerves and the decision of not watching it for so many years was probably an incredibly sensible one! What message are we trying to convey here? That women who revel in their tomboyishness and like to wear their hair short will never find love?
I have said it before and I will say it again. We come in different hues and shades, just like men. Some of us like our kajal and make-up and will walk in stilettos and little black dresses. But some of us prefer our sweatshirts and sneakers and are comfortable with our hair cut short. Hard though it may be to believe, some of us are still tomboyish in our attitudes while continuing to love our nailpolish and our lipstick. Actually, it should not be that hard to believe. We are multifaceted, just like everyone else in this world.
Don’t put us in compartments that you have created and expect us to conform. Some of us are just non-conformist at birth! We will not fit into any of the compartments you have created for us, simply because we are different. We are women, and proud to be.
On city girls…
Earlier today, @wavehit tweeted me asking me to join the protest against the content of the Tamil talk show Neeya Naana that aired on Pongal Day. I had watch a part of the show until the constant and extra-long ads breaks finally got to me and I switched off the television about 40 minutes into the programme. With wavehit’s tweet, I decided to watch the show on You Tube and then get down to the onerous task of registering my protest without getting angry.
Now, this discussion features a motely group of men dressed smartly, some in veshti and other in more Western clothing. Sitting on the other end, are women, dressed in jeans and tees, some in skirts and all sorts of Western clothing, ostensibly representing city-bred women. As it is, the difference in clothing i’s stark and sets the tone for what is to follow. Gopinath, the anchor puts a loaded question to the men. “What have you studied and how do you want your future wife to be?” The combination of questions is telling, because the rest of the show just goes on to prove that education doesn’t get you anywhere.
All men wanted to get married to good village girls, the reasons being wide-ranging. Without going into intricate details, I noticed that some of the points raised by the men ranged from the ridiculous to the outrageous.
“My wife should wear only sari, or salwar kameez. She should wear the dupatta in V-shape. She is not permitted to wear jeans or any other such western clothing. She can dress in skimpy (read western) clothing inside the four walls of my bedroom and only for my eyes.”
This attitude of curtailing women’s clothing seems rather widely-prevalent irrespective of social, educational and economic status. The general impression seems to be that a woman who dresses unconventionally is: a) easy, b) difficult to control and c) unfit for family life. Also, the permission ostensibly granted to the wife to dress in similarly unconventional clothing inside the bedroom reeks of commodification of the woman in question. Enough said.
“My wife should be a good cook. She should be capable of multi-tasking, of cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, and then going to work and still coming back on time to make a hot, fresh dinner for me. City-bred girls are incapable of it all.”
Ok. So basically, these men want an unpaid cook, a maid, an ayah and a wage-slave (rolled into one) who will bring home the paycheck every month to keep up the lifestyle they are used to. Right! And I was thinking marriage is about partnership, caring and sharing. Maybe we are a bunch of fools here.
“City-bred girls lack respect. They call their husbands by name. We do not want such disrespectful wives.”
Uh oh. We have a problem here! If I am not supposed to call my husband by name, what else am I supposed to call him? Prananatha? Aryaputra? Come on guys! Let’s get real!
“My wife should be sweet-tempered and friendly with my relatives and hers. But it is not acceptable that she be equally sweet-tempered and friendly with her friends.”
Apparently, friendliness should be the exclusive right of in-laws and the rest of the world does not deserve the same. A reflection of possessiveness, lack of trust and respect perhaps?
“Chennai girls have a lot of boyfriends (read pre-marital sex). Village girls will be sweet and virginal. My wife should be from the village.”
Apparently, they have never taken a look at abortion statistics in the city and elsewhere, as the good doctor and psychologist Shalini later points out. Also, the general attitude seems to be that they can sleep around all they want but still want virginal wives. What’s sauce for the goose is obviously not sauce for the gander.
Apart from these obviously chauvinistic comments, one thing seems certain: none of these men seems secure in his own skin. As they finally admit, they seem extremely scared of a woman’s (obviously superior) intelligence and social skills. They seem to truly believe that a woman who is smart, intelligent, independent and outspoken will not stay in the marriage.
Now that I have made these observations, on to rebutting each of them.
- No man has any business dictating terms to his wife on her choice of clothing. We don’t tell you to walk around in veshti-chattai all the time do we? Neither should you. We will dress in what is comfortable for us. If you have a problem with it, live with it. Or handle it!
- If we are married to you, it means we expect you to treat us as equal partners in that relationship. We are not competing with you for supremacy and neither should you. If you can’t do that, maybe you need to rethink getting married at all.
- We can be pretty to you within the four walls of your bedroom, but that does not mean we are sex objects. In case you did not realize, we are human being with real feelings and emotions.
- Some of us truly love cooking and make it our life’s mission to keep you well-fed and happy. But some of us detest cooking and the thought of the kitchen makes us cry. We come in different hues and shades, just like you. If you want a cook, get one. Don’t marry her.
- Some of us may work at home and outside, managing multiple tasks, deadlines, client meeting, personal commitments and kids perfectly well. But some other are less-adept at doing all that. We admit we have our limitations. Maybe you can help by getting your butt off that couch and putting the clothes into the dryer or mopping the floor for us.
- We call you by name because we believe that is why you were named so. In case you wish us to call you mama or athaan or even prananatha like I mentioned earlier, kindly return the favour by calling us bharye.
- If you want a friendly wife, please acknowledge that she will have friends. We cannot turn on and turn off friendliness. We do not have an inbuilt “friendliness switch”.
- As for pre-marital sex, we are human too. If we have had relationships before and are honest enough to tell you about it, you should appreciate that we are willing to let go if the past and make a new life with you. And it’s not as if you are pure and virginal anyway. So get over it!
I could probably go on, but I think 1000 words for a post is a bit much. Have your two bits to add? Please go ahead. That’s what the comments section is for.
This Size Zero tamasha…
Have you ever been tempted by the VLCC’s “before” and “after” photos? Or by Sugar Free’s promise that you will acquire a Bipasha-like figure if you stopped eating natural sugars and started loading your system with aspartame? Have you ever wondered having a healthy appetite or being larger than normal is considered bad? If you identify with any of the above, or have even felt bad for a second ever in your life, you are not alone. You probably belong to the vast majority of middle-class Indian women who do not fulfill the traditional criteria for beauty. Me too!
It has taken me very long to get the feeling of guilt and even inferiority out of my system. Even today, I sometimes wish I were shorter and slimmer. I know who I am and what I deserve. But, I am still intimidated by seemingly perfect women with petite and perfect figures. I do not show it. I ignore, or even pretend all is well, but there are times I cannot shake off this feeling of imperfectness and inferiority. There are times when I truly wish I had a different body. While I am happy to be me in the overall scheme of things, beauty and brain inclusive, I do feel threatened by the constant harping on acquiring a better (read slimmer) figure, losing 20 pounds in one month and generally tending to Size Zero. The latest trend of writing books on weight loss that everyone talks of (like Women and the Weight Loss Tamasha) really don’t help my cause.
Frankly, it upsets me when people offer unsolicited advice about how to lose weight and how to watch the food I eat. In such instances, people generally approach on a rather apologetic note saying, “You are fine as you are. For your height, your weight is ok. But you would be truly gorgeous if you managed to reduce your waistline by one size.” To such people, I usually say I don’t care. But unfortunately, I do. I care about how I look. I care about being called fat. I have fought all my life against this perception of being “fatty” and it rankles to be called fat or plump even today.
Beyond these personal issues of body image, there is a larger issue at hand. There can be no argument that being obese is unhealthy. But the trend of perfectly normal women obsessing with exercise and weight loss and diet is disturbing. If I must be perfectly honest with myself, I love food. And most of the time, I really don’t care how many calories I am consuming. Like everyone else, I like some foods better than others. And I very rarely say no to food that I like simply because it is fattening. I enjoy my chocolates and ice-creams as much as any other woman, sans the guilt.
I suppose we have come a long way from the time heroines needed to be buxom and well-endowed to be successful. Today, size zero is hip. Is this really here to stay? I sure hope not! I don’t think I can take too many more years of listening to size zero bullshit!
2011
It’s time to bid adieu to 2011. And welcome 2012 with open arms. Like always, the end of a year is a time for reflection, for nostalgia, for looking back, and also for excitement, for anticipation and for looking forward to a better year ahead. Every year, we have regrets, and make new year resolutions. But for me, it has been a time of learning, of introspection. So, what did I learn in 2011?
- This year I learnt that patience always bears fruit. I learnt that if something is denied to you, it simply means that you probably deserve a lot better. I learnt that life’s lessons are long, but very effective.
- I learnt that you need to love yourself in order for others to love you. I learnt that like love, friendships can be made instantly, broken instantly, and even mended, but very slowly. I learnt to take it all with a smile.
- I learnt that life constantly challenges you to be better than you are. I learnt that these challenges can come in different forms, but they are almost always a passport to a better life.
- This year I learnt not to judge a book by its cover, or a person by a first impression. I learnt that what seems is not always what is.
- This year I learnt to adjust, to do my own work, to make a home. This was not without hiccups, adjustment issues, upsets and arguments…but I still learnt.
- This year I learnt never again to underestimate the effort involved in the work that my mother (and all mothers) does at home. I learnt to say the word “housewife” with a newfound respect!
And you? What did you learn?
Infidel – Ayaan Hirsi Ali – some thoughts
I just finished reading the memoirs of Dutch feminist activist and politician, Ayaan Hirsi Ali. I found it honest, refreshing, and very bold. This is not a review of the book, and my thoughts appear in no particular order. This is just a compilation of how I felt when I was reading this book.
I find that Hirsi Ali is completely honest about her feelings about Islam, even at great risk to her life. She has been accused by many of being neocon in the garb of feminism, but some of her questions strike a very deep chord in my heart, as a reader, as a feminist, and as a woman. Her repeated questioning of the logic behind obviously unfair practices such as segregation, veiling, and the demand for complete obedience of wife to husband stay relevant in contemporary, non-Islamic cultures as well. If God (whatever name you choose to give him) is indeed merciful and compassionate, why would he demand that women submit at the cost of their self-respect, their individualism and sometimes even their life? We have no answers.
Hirsi Ali’s account of her genital cutting when she was six is cold, detached and dispassionate. She almost sounds like she is narrating something that happened to someone else. And that makes it even more chilling. The idea of FGM is so repulsive, so depressing and so utterly cruel that you can’t help but develop respect for a woman who has made it through it all and is now fighting for women’s rights. Her turning away from Islam, and questioning the very existence of God is entirely understandable, even if you don’t agree with her. Maybe, just maybe, I would have been atheist too, had I been so brutally cut in the name of religion, and made to marry a stranger without even my presence being required to solemnise my wedding.
Finally, her struggles, against men, against the religion which demands nothing but submission, against forced marriage, against female genital mutilation and for women’s rights make us respect her immensely for the work she has done so far. As for the book, it is definitely worth reading for the many insights it provides on the wide variations in the practice of Islam, on the increasing influence of the orthodox Brotherhood and the political climate in the Somalian peninsula. Read it! You won’t regret.