Relationships…

…are complicated. By their very nature, relationships are complicated business. Of late, I have read many posts about domestic violence, complications in relationship and related stuff. I don’t know if I want to submit my entries for any kind of contest, mainly because I can’t frame my writing to such rules. But write, I will. I can’t speak of domestic violence or rape or anything else. Much has been said and written, and there is really nothing left to say. But, one thing that does make me think and reflect is psychological abuse.

Just how much is too much? I would say that every person who loves another is possessive to a certain extent. I am too. I would also get jealous if my husband or boyfriend got too close to another woman. I have. But, where do we draw the line?

I remember a conversation I had with D sometime back. Leisurely sipping a cup of coffee in the cafeteria, he said, “Have you ever thought of possessiveness as a form of love?” I protested, vehemently. One who loved could never distrust his partner enough to be jealous, I argued. No, he said. You are mistaken. The more attached you are emotionally, the more possessive you get, he said. This statement came with a disclaimer though. Not that possessiveness is a good thing; it is not. But, trust me, he said, it’s natural.

This argument continued for days, pausing every once in a while to wonder where we must draw the line between possessiveness and controlling. I still have no answers. But, to me love is all-accepting, and tolerant. When one partner becomes controlling, manipulative and irrational, it starts bordering on psychological abuse.

Domestic violence does not have to be physical. While hitting, slapping and marital rape are the most obvious and extreme forms of abuse, psychological abuse is much harder to detect and much more damaging in the long run. When a person refuses to express his/her deepest fears, most intimate desires and most important confusions to the one they are sharing their life with fear of rejection, criticism or abandonment, it could classify as psychological abuse. Trust me when I say that it takes very long to get out of that mind-set and learn to speak freely.

If you find yourself hiding things because you fear reprisal, fights, criticism, name-calling or abandonment, then you are in an abusive relationship. If you find yourself branded as a slut, a whore or as characterless because you happen to disagree with what your partner says and have many friends of the opposite sex, you most probably will be abused physically as well later. There is only one way out of this mess. Leave when you still have the time. Otherwise, it might be too late.

7 thoughts on “Relationships…

  1. sreekrishnan says:

    To me, Possessiveness is a state of mind’s control over another being. Actually using possessiveness as a reason to control spoils it. I generally go by the mantra that you can be possessive and should be, but not use that as a reason to control.

    As one person put it .. excessive possessiveness will never ruin it. It infact knits the relationship well. THat is the line you draw. Being possessive but not using it to control makes the other person feel it. Its like having the the first rights of anything over the other – not because i am jealous but i deserve to. As long as the Honesty stays there is nothing to worry !

    whats yours will stay an whats not is bound to leave…

    • amrutha says:

      That’s exactly why I believe we should know where to draw the line between possessiveness and control. When that limit is clearly defined, there won’t be a problem.

  2. Indian Homemaker says:

    Possessiveness and jealousy is romanticized and made to look like a part of being in a relationship. Once the initial delight of knowing how much the mere thought of one’s glancing at another person bothers the partner, is over, once we are secure in a relationship (as one should be) then possessiveness loses it’s charming quality.
    After a while love becomes knowing and trusting that the partner is not cheating in any way – knowing one is liked/loved/valued/cherished.
    If a relationship doesn’t grow from first not being too sure, to becoming secure and confident – and one partner remains jealous (and hence insecure) – then a relationship will not be a peaceful one. And then it isn’t about love anymore.
    Many times we are made to feel that love can change a person – but I feel love should be about accepting a person as he/she is. Wanting to change implies criticism and control.

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