Some introspection…and a revelation

Today was an important day. Actually, today was a wake up call. It struck me like a thunderbolt. A basic truth about myself that I didn’t quite know or acknowledge.

Earlier today, I was at a social event that I wasn’t quite comfortable in. Among the many people, all happy and cheerful, I felt quite out of place. I’ve said it before. While I consider myself quite social, I also like being left to myself.

I’ve always considered myself an extrovert. But many things have happened over the past year that have made me rethink my own character. In this past year, I discovered that I actually like my own company. That I prefer spending time by myself. After these experiences, I decided to reclassify myself as a selective extrovert. But today was a whole new story.

I wasn’t even selectively extroverted. I found myself wishing that I could just get home and curl up in my bed with a book in hand. Or curl up against S and have a quiet conversation. Or anything. Anything apart from being within this mass of people I barely know. This feeling surprised even me. I wasn’t quite expecting to feel this way, given that I was quite enthusiastic about going there in the first place.

I realised within that crowd of dancing people that I’m in reality intensely private. That I can count my close friends on the fingers of one hand. Actually, I don’t even have to count. I just know. If I’m left alone with just family and close friends, I’ll probably be at my happiest.

To me, this realisation has come pretty late in life. I’ve actively sought company in the past and become part of a larger circle of people. I’ve gone out of my way to ensure I’m always surrounded by people. 

What was it about today that made me realise something so diametrically opposed to what I thought my character was? Is this what we call growing up?